Down in the dumps

Yes, I admit I’ve been down there again. And I've been an ass to the people I should have not. Shutting everyone off or being rude, though it seemed a good way to avoid any more stimuli to my brain then, was not the best solution. Sorry.

HELP!!! I've Been Taken Hostage!

Another rainy week here. So here I am reminiscing on my journey through life. All those 'wrong' turns I've taken, in my relations, my career and my lifestyle. And the glaring conclusion is that I let my condition take me hostage!

I WILL let you down!

Over the last few days I have been playing back a few of the incidents that have happened over the years concerning my relation with people I  came across. Some were (fewer still are) my friends, acquaintances and relatives.

Armed with a better understanding of my condition and how I reacted to situations that presented themselves, I’ve come to that conclusion.

That's something I know. Some may feel I failed them, others may despise me or get mad at me (maybe all of the above). But WHY???

Changes that are welcome….or so I hope.

I need some sleep

Time to put the old horse down

I'm in too deep

And the wheels keep spinning 'round

Everyone says I'm getting' down too low

Everyone says you just gotta let it go

Eels – I need some sleep

So my meds seem to be working in a way, but with my ADHD I can’t be too sure. At least now when my angry moods pop up, I can walk away to depressurize.

But the major challenge is my job which requires me to stay connected from 8.00 am to 6.00 pm, handling calls and queries from at least 60 outlets at a rate of a least 10 to 30 calls per hour. the problem lies in the fact that with my condition some queries are of the kind you feel like asking the caller “Are you serious?” or “Duh!”

For us we are blessed with this condition, it is easy to see solutions so fast at times that our peers end up looking dumb (from our point of view). The challenge is avoiding projecting that to them in a way that demeans or puts them down.

Remember that advice we always hear '”When you are angry, count to 10 before speaking?” Guess what, I do count, but with so many channels working simultaneously it takes less than a second. While the other channels are still carrying over the heat of the argument. So I end up opening my mouth so soon and BAM!! We’re at it again!

So I’m trying out telling people on phone to give me a few minutes to get back to them so that I can get a few minutes to lower my pressure. Problem is, I may forget who I was on the phone with or find more calls awaiting me so its kind of back to square one.

Chris

P.S. So I found out one of my meds was sleeping pills, though I find myself up 4 or 5 hrs later. Need to have a talk with my doc about that.

P.P.S. on further reflection it may be the anxiety that was caused by having to travel while a decision was about to be announced that the outcome would cause friction and dissatisfaction to one part of the nation or the other.

Darn this wagon thing.

We are all creatures of habit. We can do most things without even thinking about them; our bodies take charge and do them for us. – Earl Nightingale

So it has been one of those couple of days, more like weeks, where all I had planned to do failed to materialize. Not because of unforeseen circumstances or interruptions, but cause I fell off the wagon.

Having lived without knowing what was affecting me, I had gotten so used to breaking promises that I made to myself (few as they were). I’m the kind of fellow who doesn’t bother with things like ‘New Year Resolutions’ because I know most of them used to be forgotten within the first week of January.

To compound on this is the fact that since childhood, I had no idea what a diary was for. Not that I had one, mind you, but the idea that I should note down what I planned to do later was an alien concept. This is a reality for most people I’ve known or met within our country.

Not to say that they do not manage. But if you’ve heard of the phrase “African Time” you’d understand, we Africans don’t set our timings with the military precision most western countries do. So if we are to meet at 2.00 p.m. as long as I make it before evening I’m on time. And with the enhanced abilities I have it means I may show up as late as a week after.

Anyway, getting back to what i was talking of. I was in the midst of coming to terms with the new life I have and what I have to do to “fit in” with the rest of society. After reading about how meditation, Yoga and a stable and healthy diet I came up with a simple (chuckle) schedule consisting of 3 items.

1. Yoga in the morning once I’m up (still trying to master the Sun salutation)
2. Reach the office 1 hr before reporting time to get a chance to add to my blog
3. Meditation before sleeping (when the amount of interference is lowest)

Well. I’m proud to say that I managed it for a week before I fell off. I’m still trying to figure out what triggered my fall. Maybe is the change of medications (I was moved from Zosert to Stilnox and Encorate) or the simple fact that I got late travelling back last Monday. Whatever the reason I suddenly found myself getting up late, losing focus more and more, and failing to meet my basic schedule. Luckily, Easter is here with us so I’m hoping to dedicate Good Friday to a bit more soul-searching.

More here ADHD: Where in the **** did I put my calendar.

Have yourselves a programmed week. Cheers!

Boundaries.

If she is wrong, try show her the right,

No need to quarrel, no need to make a fight.

Not the way - Gregory Isaacs

I just watched an interesting video on setting boundaries here

It gives a great insight to what both parties experience and also how to cope with issues. Speaking from my own perspective, I usually find that stuff that needs to be done in a hurry, snap decisions during discussions and repetitive queries usually end up being avoided or ignored.

Seriously! If you want a vague answer keep pressuring me, you'll get it. It's not that I'm avoiding the question but all this multiple channels have to process the data. On top of that I will avoid giving an answer until I feel I have all the facts required to give my answer.

So, be patient.

Who Am I?

 Don't take "no" for an answer
There's no telling where we've been
And all I know, is that if you can find me
You may never wanna find me again
'Cause people don't understand

……
People like me.

Alphas Theme Song

At times I guess my life can be defined like a person with multiple personalities but all active at the same time.

 

So our lives are a "Good news, Good news scenario" The good news being we get there eventually. And the other good news being to get there we take the most scenic route you'll ever experience. The downside of all this is of course that most of the people we interact with are not gifted/blessed like us so they usually end up either

• Annoyed or angry - since to them we seem to be ignoring them when they ask us something.
• Confused - when our comments or answers are brief and/or cryptic
• Hurt - since we often don't bother sugar-coating our comments

I really feel the character Kat from Alphas series (Guess it is my best show - until I switch to another), she's this lady who can remember everything she's ever learnt either by reading or watching, but cannot remember any event from more than like a month ago. Things like where she was, who her friends were, what she did and all that.

The reason I bring this up is I always find myself in embarrassing situations where I forget peoples names, or at times where we met. Thus it's like "Umm.... , remind me your name" or my favourite "I know we've met trouble is I can't remember where."

So next time we meet and I ask you again, please understand.



Guess he said it best.
"Your neurons must myelinate at an astounding rate." Dr. Rosen - Alphas


P.S. here is another take on the subject

Newsflash – we DO feel things. Eventually.

Getting help......or fighting the Stigma

So I finally decided to seek help for my condition. Wonderful (or so I thought). After searching for where to get the kind of help I needed, I was advised by a pharmacist friend (Thanks Jim) of mine my best bet would be to see a psychiatrist.

Okay. First question is where the hell do you find them in our town? After a few calls  - like 3 to 7 of them over a period of a week (see the pattern?) I found out we had only 2 practising in Nakuru.

The next step was to talk to a friend or two to build up the courage to go for an appointment. Oh my! The first one was like "What?!!!, you don't need to see a shrink! There's nothing wrong with you. All you need is a few days out of touch with the rest of the world." Ouch!!! My nerve was totally gone. Seriously! Luckily my other close pal called that evening and was supportive when he finally wormed out what was going on from me.

My next bit of luck came from the people I was most afraid of calling.......my family. When I told them of my plans they gave me all the strength I needed to go for it. Although I was still nervous, to a point that the night before I was to visit the doctor, I found myself 160 km away visiting my family. I guess it was the fear that the results would be devastating.

Side-note: In the African community, mental health and psychiatry is considered to be for the insane. Furthermore, admitting to have a condition that affects the psyche is a taboo especially for a man.

Anyway, I finally built enough courage and travelled back. After a few wrong turns looking for the doctors office, I was eventually there. Being a Monday there was a queue and the next hurdle presented itself. How to sit there patiently, ignoring the stares from these people, most of them who had escorted their relatives looking at me like I had entered the wrong place. (At the time my brain was on overdrive, interpreting the stares into thoughts.)

As luck would have it I had carried my phone's headset, so I just fired up my relaxation playlist. After an hour  my turn came. Cue eerie music.

Psych's attitude and comments

So there I am with the doctor, all the anxiety that has been building up over the last few days is at its peak. His attitude, luckily, was so good that within a few minutes I was literally gushing out all that I felt and bits of my history that were clear enough, plus what I had forgotten over time (for example I cannot remember the names of all the teachers in the various schools I went through except maybe 5 or so.)

By the end of the session, I was so encouraged and my anxiety had fallen to my normal levels. So I was put on medications to manage my condition, which I have to say have been working well so far. My family's support have been a pillar of strength for me when the road is rocky. My friends are slowly accepting that I'm different, which explains many of the missed appointments I used to have, the various details I've forgotten

My advice to those going through the same is be strong. Your friends or family may either support you or not. The important thing to remember is that it is your life. You decide how you want to live it.

If all else fails, we are many, we care and we here for each other.  Give us a shout!

 

 

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And here we go!......

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end:

 then stop." 

Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Sounds simple, does it not? Well not for me.

Here's the why's (hope that's correct grammar) 

I'm a 38 year old (believe me I had to work it out - again). Most of my life story I can only relate from 2nd hand accounts and vague (hopefully true) memories. No joking, I finally had to save my kids birthdays and ages on my organizer to keep track, not because of the number mind you (there is only three of them). Don't ask me their classes (grades) as I'll have to guess.