Sunday, 5 May 2013

Down in the dumps

Yes, I admit I’ve been down there again. And I've been an ass to the people I should have not. Shutting everyone off or being rude, though it seemed a good way to avoid any more stimuli to my brain then, was not the best solution. Sorry.

Welcome to ‘depression lane’. In a way it’s like Hotel California song says,
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave! "
I’ve been there quite a number of times, each time I leave I believe I’m away for good – until the next time. In private I curse and scream, for all the people I think should be there for me at times like this. But then I cannot talk to them if I get a call from them, knowing that I might say hurtful things to them.
I know it’s not about them. But the fear of being shunned always rears its ugly head at this moments, forcing me to back off and let the fears and stress eat me more and take me deeper into the nightmare.
With my wandering mind, I really try to find ways to improve myself. I have at least a dozen books I acquired within the past few weeks, each which I think holds the key to lifting me up to my full potential.
The problem is, I am so emotional! Compassion, which is lacking in the world we are living in, I have in abundance. Which leads to people using me to attain their goals, or to avoid laboring too much on their part.
I don’t blame them, as it is the way ordinary people think all over the ‘better you than me’ mentality. I have to just be stronger to make myself rise above the challenges.
Easier said than done. But it is possible.